To anyone who knows me this likely sounds crazy, as I am regularly razzed for being busy and/or too busy ALL THE TIME. My parents have tried in vain to get me to push less and relax/take care of myself more. How many times has my mom told me “you are over doing it! You are too busy…”
I mitigate my anxiety about not getting to things by making extraordinary lists. At least it gets the items swirling out of my head. When I accomplish something I have this aha! feeling, and then I strike it off my list- and temporarily worry less about me adding up. It’s slightly addictive, the feeling of completing something and having it be done- only problem is it is only a temporary solution for the angst. The list gets longer and as it does you get more and more anxious. So in this swirl- I wonder where is the opportunity for freedom? I also recognize the drive above, although sometimes a great thing given how much I accomplish, can also be very detrimental in my relationships with others and with God. See- being preoccupied with what I am NOT doing has me focusing too much on the future or dwelling internally rather than being present and focusing on who I am with and what I am doing NOW. Poor John has listened to me worry over and over again out loud about the things that need to happen or get done in my life that are not. Here is a text he sent me yesterday that made my day- reassuring me once again (made my day).
I think the bigger issue at hand is that I am working under the assumption that I am not enough- or am lacking. To mitigate this assumption, I know I attempt to do a lot of self-diagnosis. And then if I can’t come up with a solution to something I am worried about- I ask for help/insight. Recently it has gotten to the point where I feel like a doctor always attempting to heal myself from an unnamed chronic illness.
So there is no strong resolution for me in this topic yet- just an admittance of how much it consumes my day to day thinking and how removed from the world I sometimes feel because of it. And how this is definitely is an area I can grow in- being intentional with my time and designing my life and thoughts so that they are not hyper focused on what I am NOT doing- and rather attentive to the life-bringing aspects of living: fellowship with others, time exercising, time praying and plenty of sleep and music.
Maybe there is something to be said for not attaching so much significance to the DOING and accomplishing of things... Thoughts on the topic are welcome-
The Freedom of Self-Forgetfulness is a short book by Timothy Keller that could be a helpful read for you right now. His point being, the more we focus on ourselves and our need for self-improvement, the more self-absorbed and constricted we become. The goal of the Christian life, says Keller, is not to "dislike" self or to constantly seek to achieve "self esteem" but rather to forget self. Focusing on the life of Christ and what He has done for us puts us in the right frame of mind. It is no longer all about us or our accomplishments, but rather a sense of operating out of the grace that we are loved beyond measure already. Nothing we can do or achieve can alter or affect that. In the end, it is not about human achievement but rather about deeply accepting the great gift that has been given to us, and living out of a sense of grace and gratitude. I know this is much easier said than done, because we want so desperately to "prove" ourselves worthy and to compare our accomplishments to others. I believe that Christ came to set us free from this.
ReplyDeleteoh, Kelsie, I am soooo with you on the issue of extraordinary list making and anxiety of not getting enough DONE. I could have written that part of this blog myself as it sounds exactly how I feel . ..and now with four kids and all of their plans and activities and goals and . . .well, it is out of control a bit. Yet people are always marvelling . . ."how do you do it all?" and so obviously I appear to be doing a lot . . .I don't know but we are in the same boat with being first borns and trying to do too much all the time I guess--while we feel we are not doing enough. Then I realize what my mom is writing above--which is true--I am putting myself and my own ideas and thoughts in the center instead of trusting God that I am already enough and that what I do is not as important as who I am.
ReplyDeleteAnyways, I am a fellow struggler with the problem of "not getting enough done!" and so I will pray for you, will you pray for me, too?!